Passion Quest

 I must say, that finding one's passion is not an easy task. We are conditioned at an early age to suck it up and just do as we are told, so for someone such as myself, finding something that I want to do, just because I love doing it, is a new concept.
It's a bit intimidating simply because you have to put yourself out there. You have to feel, be engaged and have a strong need to do something. The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines passion as "a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object or concept." So it's not a  want to do something, but a need to do something.
For me, that's hard because my priority has never been my wants or desires, but always those of someone else. It's how I'm wired. And changing that wiring is tedious, frustrating and exhilarating all at once because I want to get the job done and move on. To start living. And it's not that simple.
I started my journey about two years ago after a falling out with my family. Not Mike and the kids, but my side of the family. They hurt me and I realized it was time to let them go. That by allowing them to upset me I was being derailed from living the life that I wanted to live. So I started blogging as a way to connect with other people, mainly moms, because, that's how I define myself at this season of my life. As a mom. I have three children, I wipe their asses, cook them dinner, schlep them to school and play SpongeBob Monopoly even though it is the longest game ever because I love what I do. I am passionate about my kids.
I call myself a Mommy Blogger because that is what I am-a mom who blogs about her family, her life and the journey, wherever it takes me.  
Am I passionate about it?
I'm not sure.
Sometimes I write a post and it takes everything I have to hit the publish button. I wuss out because to share my thoughts and life so freely with all in cyberspace is difficult. And then there are the times that something triggers an emotional response-whether it be anger, laughter, happiness-whatever, and I can't wait to share it with everyone.  But most of the time, I don't know what to say. So I am not sure that is really what I am passionate about.
The self-help books really don't give you a model to base your level of "passion" on so I guess I am left to figure that part out on my own.  Kinda like this whole passion search. Which is kinda like Star Search and American Idol with a little drama mixed in. Well, minus Paula Abdul's antics and Adam Lambert's sex stunts. 
And yes, since I am so anal, I decided to start my "passion quest" by thinking about the things I like to do.
Yep, thinking.
Funny word. To think about something means to have time to sit and contemplate things. To forgo the laundry, chatting with my friends or watching really bad TV.
Thinking is hard work because the voices in my head NEVER. SHUT. UP.
They keep going and going and really only increase my anxiety and cloud my judgment,  So I had to learn to turn them off, which caused me even more stress.
And those books?
They suck.
They don't tell you how to do that either.
So after reading the Secret and seeking out some other information about gratitude and creating my own path, I stumbled upon Bill Harris, one of the people featured in the Secret. Bill Harris promotes meditation as a relaxation technique and way to get your brain going. And not really into all that New Age stuff, I was skeptical. So I sent away for his trial CD and I loved it. It actually helped me. And I bought the first level of his Holosnyc CD, which by the way is freaking expensive, but totally worth the money. Well, at least for me. It actually helped me to relax and quiet Sybil and her 27 chatty-ass sisters.
Sometimes, it would put me to sleep, like that passed out dead drunk asleep, but I was sober, know what I mean?  I guess with my mind on overload, it was what I needed to give my body the rest it needed from  the anxiety and stress my mind had created.
After a while, I was able to think more clearly and see things about me, my life and my family, that I had never realized before. And then I started looking at the things that I like to do-my hobbies, my interests-in the hopes that a clue would emerge as to my true passion. 
I'm still looking.
And now, as Dr. Horner said oh so many years ago, I am grappling with those interests and hobbies. Picking them apart and examining what I like about them, what drives me to do them or any kind of indication as to what about that particular activity makes me happy. And even more ridiculously funny is that I am evaluating my level of happiness on a scale of 1-5 with 5 being the happiest, to vet out that things I love the most.
Pretty fucked up, huh?
Well, as they say on the Rugrats, "a mommy's gotta do, what a mommy's gotta do."
Yep.
So, my first challenge to those of you interested, is to sit down, relax and think about the things you like to do. Just think at first. Think about the feelings or the emotions they ellicit and see where it takes you. Then write those things down and figure out where on the happiness scale you are when you are doing those things. It sounds so simple, but it's not.
And really, these are just baby steps. They take awhile to mull over and dissect. Sometimes, those likes and happiness factors are subjective.
Whatever.
Go with what works. Just start. Because as someone who has let fear and uncertainty lead her, sometimes what you find may surprise you.